It is hard to be a fat girl. No matter how much you tell yourself how sexy, talented, amazing, worthy, fabulous, and genius you are, there is a pretty serious backlash that you are facing – on a minute by minute basis. And, I’ll tell you, I consider myself pretty tough and persistently body positive, but it is not easy to be kick-ass all the time. Especially when someone tells you point blank to your face that you are fat and you need to lose weight or you will… (insert really scary reason here – usually culminating in the fact that you will be fat, alone, and unlovable until you lose some weight).
And I absolutely guarantee that inside every phenomenal kick-ass fat positive role model is the tiniest inkling of doubt and fear, and every once and a while, when you are feeling a little vulnerable, even the toughest, most awesome girl can be tripped up, even if they refuse to admit it. I’ll even go out on a limb and say that I believe this so wholeheartedly – anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. This is not to say that we should just succumb to the cultural standards and get all weak in our knees when someone calls us fat – we will keep fighting and loving ourselves no matter what and becoming role models for other women to follow in our example, BUT there has to be some room for honesty in the equation. And honestly? It is not always easy to be a Body Image Warrior."
My friend, Aiyahna, told me something like this. She was talking to a girl from a sorority. I thought she was interested in joining. She was actually asking about how she lost all that weight. Mind you, my friend is a big girl. When I expressed to her how shocked I was because I thought she liked being herself, and she says, “Let me tell you a secret, James. No big girl likes being big. I don’t care how much they say they love themselves. There are always days when you hate it.” I damn near cried. That’s some crazy shit to feel.
This is so true, especially as a fat black woman. I’m always relegated to Mammy in the eyes of society. The minute I walk through the door, I’m relegated to the sexless, selfless, self depreciating Mammy.
And there are time when I seriously feel like I want to cry because of how much negativity I receive on a daily basis from damn near every external force out there telling me that my body is absolutely WRONG and I should be ashamed for existing while fat.
It’s fucking hard to be positive when the narrative written for you is always riddled with shame and hate against you.
I am documenting my travels here. The most personal things will go in the journal I keep with me, but I’ll keep this updated and juicy too.
We’re in Barcelona, finally. Long awaited trip is finally here. I left my house at noon on the 24th and arrived in Barcelona at 840pm. We got to our apt place at 11pm and we’re about ready to CRASH! Today was incredibly exhausting.
We used AirBnB to book our “apt” and it took us awhile to get to the place. We even walked up to another apt and almost walked into the wrong apt… It’s been a hectic and crazy day trying to adjust and lead everyone and not go crazy…But we’re here now and I can’t wait until tomorrow to begin exploring. I hope the jet lag doesn’t kill me!
The area we’re staying at is called the Horta District and its pretty quiet and a bit hood, but I like it. We arrived at night so I didn’t see much but I’m sure tomorrow will be great day to begin exploring it. The apt has another visitor and a dog. The dog pukes a lot and that makes me incredibly sad :/ she is so hyper and rambunctious too. She’s a big dog and she gets into trouble a lot. More sad beans.
Day 1 complete.
For if you’re bored during the holidays or whenever, have fun!
And the ritual scared AF graduation post finally comes out. Better on tumblr than on fb where everyone will see it. I think I find comfort in the semi-anonymous tumblr world.
I am beyond scared of what is going to happen after August/September of this coming year. I haven’t found anything yet. I don’t know where I will go or live or work…
The idea of not having any plans scares me so much. I am trying to find some thrill in the unknown, but it’s really hard.
Real world problems. Family expectations. My dreams. Ugh they just don’t reconcile with each other.